Hail Caesar! - A Litte Lost on Me

Movie: Hail Caesar

My Rating: 3 stars

I was a little bit baffled by this movie.  I couldn’t quite get a handle on what it was trying to be.  I had imagined that this was going to be a pretty straightforward, old-timey, showbiz comedy.  But, it wasn’t quite that.  This movie is a dark comedy but there’s a lot of reference humor going on too, and I don’t think I had the necessary skills to get it.  I gathered that the movie was making fun of specific actors, personalities, and events from classic Hollywood history.  But, I just don’t know enough about Hollywood’s old studio system to have caught many of the references.  And, I think I would have found this movie a lot funnier if I had.

I generally like the Coen brothers’ films.  But, I guess I feel the same way about their other films as a feel about this one—moderately enjoyable.  Each of their movies feels like one, big in-joke that I’m not a part of.  But, I think the Coen brothers genuinely think that most of their audience is in on it.  And, they have such a good reputation for making smart, witty films that there probably aren’t many people who are willing to admit that they’re a bit baffled.  But, I could just be projecting.  So, I guess I’ll just have to be satisfied with the character work in this film.  That really is the best part about this film anyway. 

I love how this film delves into the idea of how the reality of show business differs from the public’s perception.  The people want to believe that their favorite actors are the same people off screen as they are on.  Scarlett Johansson is the wide-eyed ingénue.  Her public image is that of a squeaky clean, good girl.  But, she’s really a smoking, swearing, tart.  George Clooney’s a handsome leading man.  He’s supposed to be suave and charming.  And, no one is supposed to know what an airhead he is.  I probably most enjoyed the performance by Alden Ehrenreich, playing cowboy Hobie Doyle.  This is the first I’ve seen of him, and I really liked his style.  He’s supposed to be the manly crooner, but in fact he’s just really confused.  It’s very funny.  Channing Tatum is dancing, per usual.  And, Josh Brolin plays one of those old, film noir gumshoes.  He’s a fixer, a closer, a damage control expert.  He’s in charge of keeping his stars’ images bright and shiny, and he’s pretty much willing to do whatever dirty work he needs to for his entertainment business employers.  This is necessary in part because of the gossip columnists, who would kill to get their hands on a juicy story.  My favorite actress, Tilda Swinton, plays squabbling, twin gossip writers, and both of her characters are hilarious.

I did find something to like about this movie even though I wasn’t able to appreciate it fully.  The Coen brothers always do create some pretty great characters, and that’s definitely what carried this film for me.  I wish there were more of a story line to tie them all together, but I acknowledge that that might not have been possible in this context.  I don’t think I liked this movie enough to recommend it to anyone.  But, I did enjoy seeing some of my old favorite actors at it again, and I’m definitely going to keep my eye open for the new ones I discovered.

[REC] 1, 2, 3, and 4 - One Last Installment

Movie: [REC] 2, [REC] 3, [REC] 4

My Rating: 4 stars

 It seemed like the whole “found footage” genre had a pretty hot run for a couple of years.  It’s a pretty useful device.  Those kinds of films are usually pretty cheap to make, and it usually means the filmmaker can avoid doing too much work to set up the story.  I’ve never had a problem with these kinds of movies, but many people find them troublesome.  Some people hate the jerky camera motion.  Others find the story-telling strategy to be kind of cheating—a crutch for poor writers.  And, it’s true that some of these movies work better than others.  But, I watched the first film in this series, and found it to be very well-composed and interesting.  So I was interested in seeing the sequels.  Numbers two and three came out a few years ago, but number four was just released (here in the US), so I was eager to jump back into this nightmare world of zombies and rabid little girls.

 All four of these films are classic zombie stories.  However, these aren’t the undead kind of zombies that we’ve come to be familiar with.  These are the “infections brain disease” type (like the kind we met in 28 Days Later).  They don’t need to be dead in order to turn.  They just need to be bitten.  In this line of stories, people are infected with a kind of fast acting, super aggressive rabies.  Although, in the second film, the filmmaker does throw some supernatural elements at us.  However, the story really didn’t need any deviltry to make its point.  It would have worked either way.  It’s a straight continuation of the first film, and it picks up not long after the point where that story leaves off.  The residents of a Barcelona apartment building are quarantined because of an outbreak of this extremely infections disease.  But, this new story adds some actual demon possession into the mix to make the whole story even scarier than it already was.

 The third film in the series isn’t directly related to the story in the first two, although it still involves the same infections disease spreading amongst a small population of people.  I think it’s meant to be a parallel outbreak of the same infection that the government was fighting in the first movies.  But, where the first two films were set in a dark, dank, enclosed apartment building, this third one is set on a beautiful estate that serves as a venue for weddings and other special events.  It’s a much larger problem, and the characters have a much wider area in which to roam.  The action takes place at a wedding, and that’s a fun, new twist.  Everyone thinks that creepy Uncle Harry is just drunk again, but then he starts biting people, and chaos takes over.  It’s really a good time.  This one also has some supernatural elements in it too—lots of curses and churchy cures—but that’s really secondary to the main zombie action.

Film number four—the latest release—places us back with Angela, the perky investigative journalist who was looking into the contagious outbreak in the first two films.  It appears that she’s finally safe and sound, and has survived the zombie horde.  She’s been rescued and is placed aboard a quarantine boat that will ferry the survivors to safety.  But, there are a lot of creepy scientists aboard, skulking around in the hold of the ship.  And, we all know that when characters start off movies by proclaiming their safety, they’re not long for this world.  Will our, little Angela beat the odds?

 I think these films are pretty great.  They’re not serious at all—just some good, trashy, monster movies; lots of hand to hand combat.  They look pretty good—lots of dark hallways and dripping pipes.  Plus, none of them run too long.  I really appreciate a director who knows how to keep a film short and sweet.  Too many films are ruined by a lack of tight editing.  I’m already a big fan of zombie movies, and I thought these ones were a pretty good addition to the genre.  I’m not entirely sure we needed four of them to cover this story.  But, these are nice and scary.  Stay away if you aren’t into gross, zombie, gore movies.  But if you do like that kind of stuff, you won’t regret watching these.

High Rise - A Big Ol' Mess

Movie: High Rise

My Rating: 2 stars

Ugh.  What a piece of garbage.  This movie is unwatchably bad.  And, based on the online teaser I saw, I was really expecting to love it.  The teaser led me to believe that this movie was going to be a surreal, black comedy, set in some sort of dystopic future, complete with twisted characters, mysterious murders, and some sort of evil game master pulling strings.  But then, I viewed the official trailer right before watching the movie, and it made it look more like Snowpiercer in a condo building—stratified society, different floors for different levels of wealth, general dissatisfaction with one’s lot in life.  And, that’s exactly what it turned out to be.  The movie stars some big names like Tom Hiddleston, Sienna Miller, Elizabeth Moss, Jeremy Irons.  So, I was expecting something of high quality.  But, we ended up with someone’s attempt at a misguidedly disjointed art-house film.

Unfortunately, this movie doesn’t do viewers the favor of presenting the story in any kind of coherent narrative arc.  Scenes are thrown together in a jumble.  We’re introduced to a series of characters, but the movie never follows any of them long enough to piece together a plot line.  The world-building seems intended more to disorient than to add context.  Some parts seem to be set in modern day.  Others seem to be from the 1960s.  And still others, set in the far future.  I couldn’t ever get a good read on it.  Then to top the cake, it appears that a few art students must have gotten their hands on the footage, because there are a few fast-cut, fever dream, orgy scenes (that have nothing to do with the rest of the film), thrown in at random intervals.  I really didn’t know what to make of the whole thing. 

It’s such a shame that I hated this movie, because I was really looking forward to watching Tom Hiddleston starring in a sinister, black comedy.  What a dreamboat.  But, even after having watched the whole film, I still don’t really know what it’s about.  Is it one man’s internal plunge into madness?  A whole society’s nightmare descent into booze and pills?  An allegory about the dangers of our decadent, Western lifestyle?  Was the protagonist just having a nightmare the whole time?  It really could be any of these.  There are way too many things wrong with this movie for me to recommend it.  The pacing makes this two-hour movie feel like an eternity.  And, while the aesthetics are very attractive, the constant jumps between historical periods, and the jarring, cacophonous interludes, are just confusing.  Watching this movie would only be an exercise in fatigue and frustration.

Green Room - Pretty Intense

Movie: Green Room

My Rating: 4 stars

This movie was a whole lot more brutal than I was expecting.  I don’t know why, but somehow I got it into my head that this was going to be a dark comedy.  Perhaps it was because of the cast.  Whenever I see Alia Shawkat and Anton Yelchin, my first thought is comedy.  But, this movie is definitely not humorous.  It’s more of a slasher, thriller, nightmare descent into a white supremacist hellhole.  You’d be hard pressed to find even a moment of comic relief. 

This movie is about a struggling punk band.  The kind of person who’s in a traveling punk band is living on the edge already—living in a van, eating gas station food, drinking and smoking gallons of lord knows what.  But, when this particular band runs out of money at an inconvenient time in their tour, they make the ruinous mistake of accepting a last minute gig at a white supremacist clubhouse to drum up a little extra cash.  And naturally, things start going wrong immediately.  I don’t think I need to tell you what kind of trouble.  Based purely on reputation you’ve probably guessed that it involves switchblades, combat boots, and dog fights somehow.  Stereotypes exist about that kind of place for a reason.  So, our poor protagonists really should have known better.  But, I guess we aren’t exactly dealing with the type of youngster who’s known for making good life choices.  But, I would have turned right around at the first sight of swastika face tattoos.

This is an excellent example of the “low-budget, closed-room drama” genre.  That’s long been one of my favorite genres.  I’m amazed at how different directors can come up with such wildly different results when given these strict limitations.  And, I really think this is an expert execution of the idea.  Our protagonists are stuck in one room for most of the time (the green room from the title).  Yet the script manages to conjure up so much dread and suspense.  I was impressed.  The casting is also pretty great.  There’s Anton Yelchin and Alia Shawcat as I already mentioned.  And there’s an amusing number of British actors playing American white trash.  Imogen Poots plays one of the gang girlfriends, and Callum Turner is another one of the band members.  But, the most interesting choice is Patrick Stewart cast as the leader of this neo-Nazi cell.  It took me a little while to recognize him, he disappeared into the role so completely.  The movie is worth watching for the acting alone.

I’m not sure whether to recommend this movie or not.  You’ll remember that I was very surprised by the content.  It was much more gruesome and intense than I was expecting.  But, I did enjoy the film.  It’s intense, unpredictable, and very well-made.  I’d say that this movie is right for a very limited audience—full adults who enjoy horror films and who are ok with a healthy dose of violence and carnage.  So, if you’re on-board for that, then absolutely check out this little gem.

The Bronze - Fantastic Filth

Movie: The Bronze

My Rating: 5 stars

This is just about the funniest movie I’ve seen in a really long time.  I was expecting to like it, but I wasn’t expecting to like it this much.  This movie had me laughing out loud, alone in my own home.  Who does that?  I think it’s mostly because of all the unbelievably filthy things coming out of the mouth of a tiny, blonde gymnast with the thickest Midwestern accent this side of Akron.  This dark comedy drops us into the everyday life of former, elite gymnast, Hope Ann Gregory (played by Melissa Rauch).  It’s been ten years since the competition that both brought her a bronze medal, and ended her career.  And, she doesn’t appear to be making the transition into civilian life very smoothly.

Hope is a local celebrity in her small town, even though she hasn’t been doing much since her competing days.  But, she lost a lot after her injury took gymnastics away from her, and her self-esteem has really taken a beating.  This leads our charming protagonist to start acting out in a number of ways.  Hope has been using her status to mooch free items and validation from the kindly townsfolk.  A free sandwich here, some hot merchandise there, promiscuous sex with anyone who’ll tell her she’s pretty.  It’s not that she’s a monster.  She’s just emotionally wounded, and trying to fill that void.  And, Hope’s poor father is at his wits end trying to tame this wild beast.  So, in an attempt to give her life some direction, her dad drums up a coaching job for her.  Hope will coach a promising, new gymnast to the national championships . . . if she can overcome her jealousy of a rising star, that it.

I’m making this movie sound like a heartwarming tale of self-redemption.  But, it really isn’t.  This is a rude, raunchy, and shocking, dark comedy.  It’s not shocking because of what’s said and done.  It’s scandalous because we all think of gymnasts as prim, pure, sexless pixies.  So, when we see one tramping around town, drinking and swearing like a sailor, it’s enough to make you do a double take.  I loved it!

I recommend this movie to anyone who thinks they can handle watching an unrepentant potty-mouth.  Because, it’s really hilarious.  I haven’t given out five stars in a long time, and I feel that this movie certainly deserves it.  It’s not for people with delicate sensibilities.  The movie’s got sexual content, drug use, and the language is absolutely filthy.  (And, this is from the protagonists that we’re meant to be rooting for).  But, you should be familiar with my tastes by now.  I go for some pretty outrageous stuff.  And, I was very pleased with the novelty and surprises this movie had to offer.  Go for it.

Ghostbusters - Just Watch It, OK?

Movie: Ghostbusters

My Rating: 3 stars

I don’t know why this movie caused such a stir amongst the movie-going community.  Ever since this project was announced with its all-female cast, an endless stream of hate began spewing from the internet.  Just when I was starting to think we’d made a little bit of social progress in this country, the internet goblins have to rear their ugly heads and spoil things.  But, I was still pretty eager to see the movie.  I figured that most of the negative predictions were probably coming from pouty men’s’ rights activists.  And, I was really only going into this movie hoping for a wacky, summer comedy with Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy. 

I wasn’t relying on this film to resurrect my childhood affection for the Ghostbusters franchise.  If I wanted to do that, I’d just re-watch the original.  It’s not even like one movie—good or bad—could ruin such a positive memory for me.  Because, let’s be honest.  Ghostbusters 2 was a huge stinker, yet people don’t blame it for ruining their childhoods.  I enjoyed this movie—even if only for the comedic stylings of Wiig and McCarthy, and the dumb gags at Chris Hemsworth’s expense.  Plus, I hadn’t been familiar with Leslie Jones or Kate McKinnon’s work before this movie, and I thought they were hilarious.  And then there’s the delight of watching New York City destroyed by a bunch of filthy, rampaging ghosts.  That’s quickly followed by watching those ghosts being zapped to holy hell by crazy laser weapons that seem just as dangerous to the technicians as they are to the undead.  That’s always a good time.

I just tried to put it out of my mind that the story was retreading such familiar ground.  Although, the writing didn’t really make that very easy to do.  The script seemed determined to get all its laughs by leaning heavily on nostalgia.  The film was throwing brazen references and cameos at the audience in every single scene it seemed like.  I could practically feel the script writers elbowing me in the ribs to say, “See what we did there?  Did you catch the reference?  It’s funny because you recognize these actors.”  So that was worth an eye roll or two.  And, it really was a shame that the script tried to rely on that kind of cheap trick for its comedy, rather than just living in the same wacky universe created by the original movie.  But, I went into this movie wanting to enjoy the movie, and I had the good fortune of finding enough charming points not to be too disappointed.

I think you should probably watch this movie if you like comedy.  It’s light and fluffy with a little bit of rude irony mixed in.  Who wouldn’t like that?  People who go into the film determined to find ways to rip it apart: that’s who.  And, who really wants to be friends with people like that?  The film does have its annoying points, so I won’t hold it against anyone who legitimately didn’t care for the humor.  But, I don’t have time for people who have a chip on their shoulder about women in leading roles.

Jupiter Ascending - Completely Bananas

Movie: Jupiter Ascending

My Rating: 2 stars

Oh boy, is this movie ever a doozie.  But, then I knew that going into it.  In fact, I watched this movie specifically because it had a reputation for being so atrocious.  I love watching movies that are unwittingly terrible.  That kind of thing is always way more funny than one that is trying to be bad on purpose.  And, this movie is trying really hard to be a spectacular, profound, space epic. 

Jupiter (Mila Kunis) is an undocumented worker in the United States.  She spends her dismal days cleaning hotel rooms, but she dreams of the stars.  We know this because she spends a fair amount of time in the movie looking at telescopes on eBay and gazing into the heavens.  Also her dad, a dead Russian astronomer, named her Jupiter because !!space!!  This movie is huge on clunky exposition and hitting you over the head with really blatant symbolism.  Jupiter hates her life.  In fact, she spends a god portion of the film saying that outright.  But, what Jupiter doesn’t know is that she is secretly the reincarnation of the queen of space!  How’s that for irony?  She loves space and wants a better life, but all this time, she was secretly the supreme leader of the universe!  Anyway, once the secret’s out of the bag, a few of Jupiter’s space minions head out looking for her.  The good ones want to find her and install her in her rightful place on the throne.  The bad ones want to kill her in bid for power (mostly her asshole previous-life kids). 

Now Jupiter’s got to figure out who has her best interest at heart, and who just wants to bump her off to steal her planets.  It really isn’t all the difficult to figure out.  The bad guys are usually, sleek, hairless types who spend their days lounging shirtless in open silk robes and heavy jewelry (e.g. Eddie Redmayne).  The good guys are scruffy, muscled, hunks with inferiority complexes (see Channing Tatum).  Tatum is a sexy, roller-blading, half-dog/half-man hybrid and he’s supposed to be Mila Kunis’ love interest.  Being half dog is supposedly a good thing in this context—loyalty, heightened senses, and all that—but it still kinda gives one the heebie jeebies, doesn’t it?  Nevertheless, the good guys must escort Jupiter through all the bureaucracy, and etiquette of this sophisticated new space society so that she can step up and claim what’s rightfully hers.

This movie is very heavy-handed and cheesy.  But, I think that’s precisely why it delights people so much.  The acting is overwrought and grand.  The costumes are bonkers.  And nothing in the story makes any kind of logical sense.  The best part is that I think the studio really thought they had a winner on their hands.  It had all the ingredients for a hit—sexy, popular actors, super powers, a star war.  But it’s just such an amazingly perfect flop.  So, I think you’d probably have a pretty fun time watching this silly film.  Don’t go into it expecting pure garbage.  You’ll only end up disappointed.  The best way to approach this movie is to go into it knowing that the studio thought they had the makings of a super-popular, summer blockbuster.

Deadpool - Filthy Fun

Movie: Deadpool

My Rating: 4 stars

I liked this movie.  But then, I’m a sucker for self-aware comedy.  And, I’m almost always in the mood for some good, raunchy fun.  Deadpool is another superhero movie.  But, it’s not the same kind of superhero film that‘s been flooding the market lately.  This isn’t one of those earnest, good-triumphing-over-evil flicks that takes itself very very seriously.  It’s rude, riddled with sex, and we actually get to see the consequences of all the violence (even if it is comically exaggerated).  Ryan Reynolds plays our anti-hero, and he appears to be having a very good time doing it.  He’s a retired mercenary who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.  When a man in a dark suit shows up, offering him a special medical procedure that will cure him, it almost seems too good to be true.  And, of course it is.  Let the head-smashing begin.

I understand that people had some very mixed, and complex feelings about this movie, and for a lot of different reasons.  Some people objected to it for being so filthy.  But, this film really isn’t for the pearl-clutching set.  The movie, of course, features plenty of foul language, nudity, and violence.  So, I’m not sure why someone so uptight would ever decide to watch it in the first place.  Then there are the people who objected to all the meta, self-aware content.  It’s all a matter of taste, but some people just don’t like that fourth wall to be broken.  And, these people have a lot in common with the third type of critic—the ones who don’t like how funny this movie finds itself.  I’ll admit to being annoyed by people who are just tickled to death by how funny they are.  And, this film does suffer from that affliction.  But, I didn’t find that trait to be off-putting in this context.  Maybe because I actually thought it was funny.  In any event, I recognize people’s objections to be valid ones (except for the prudes), but politely dissent.

I think I liked this movie mostly because I am so sick of those do-gooder, America-loving, superheroes.  Yes, they’re amazing, and they’re all upstanding examples of good, clean living—those early to bed, early to rise, paying-my-taxes-on-time types.  But, isn’t that the most boring kind of friend to have?  That’s totally the kind of person you’d avoid at a party for fear of being cornered and trapped in a conversation about the American flag, and our duty as citizens.  So, I love just how irreverent Deadpool is.  This guy loves booze, hookers, and he’s an unrepentant killer.  Other super hero movies like to conveniently ignore all the collateral damage their grand battles must be causing.  And, this movie pokes fun at the genre.

This movie isn’t for everyone.  But you’ll probably know it if it’s for you or not.  You have to be the kind of person who doesn’t mind sex and violence in their films, but also someone who isn’t annoyed by constant wisecracking.  I liked it, and as long as you are ready for what you’re getting yourself into, you will too.

Gigi - Old-Timey Whoring

Movie: Gigi

My Rating: 3 stars

My grandma always liked this movie.  And, I never really thought anything about it when she’d tell me about it.  I had thought that this was just another old-timey movie about dresses and parasols—stuff old ladies like.  And, it is old-timey, being set in Paris in the 1900s.  And, there are lots of dresses and parasols.  But, then I started paying attention to the story, and I got really confused.  You see, my grandma is a very sober lady with good, clean, Midwestern values.  And, this is a movie about Gigi, a young girl training to be the best whore in Paris.  But, she’s not learning to be any common, street hussy.  No, she’s taking lessons from some of the finest granddames of Paris whoring.  They’re going to teacher her how to do it right.  Gigi is going to learn how to land a high-rolling sugar daddy, and how to stay on his payroll long term.  This is serious business.  And, it’s definitely not the kind of story I was expecting my straitlaced grandma to like.

Gigi seems like a child.  I’d guess her character is supposed to be somewhere around fourteen years old.  But, she comes from a family of reputable courtesans, so it’s only natural that she’d be trained in the family trade.  Gigi’s got so much to learn.  She needs to know how to pour a man’s coffee, how to cut and light a man’s cigar, how to work a room and throw shade at other “professional” ladies to make sure she’s the most desirable woman for purchase.  And, she definitely needs to learn how to hold her liquor.  A girl has got to keep her wits about her when peddling her wares to handsy aristocrats.

Gigi’s handlers have got their sights set on the most eligible bachelor in Paris, Gaston Lachaille.  He’s fabulously wealthy, and his romantic dalliances are frequently splashed all over the front pages of the gossip rags.  But, Gigi has got a leg up on the competition because she’s young and innocent, and she’s been weaseling her way into Gaston’s heart under platonic pretexts.  It’s very scandalous.  But, the costumes are very proper, and the actors speak in that classy Transatlantic accent, so grandmas who aren’t paying very close attention might think it’s just a love story.  That’s my theory anyway.

I kinda liked this movie.  It’s old, but it’s not slow.  And, the subject matter is just titillating enough to keep the modern viewer interested.  The film is still pretty strange.  The narrator is this dirty old lech.  He opens the film singing that creepy song, “Thank Heaven for Little Girls.”  And, he pops up at various points during the movie to throw out a few innuendos and wink at the camera.  It’s very cringeworthy.  The movie was released in 1958, and I had thought people were pretty prudish back then.  But, the movie is interesting enough that I’d recommend it to people interested in these old movies.

Tusk - Shocking Fun

Movie: Tusk

My Rating: 4 stars

This movie was not what I was expecting.  I was told that this was a Kevin Smith film.  Ok, so it’d be funny.  And, I was told that it was a story in which Justin Long slowly turns into a walrus over the course of the film.  So, absurdist comedy, right?  But I was very wrong.  Because, this is straight-up horror.  Absurdist horror, I’ll grant it that.  But the way this movie should have actually been described to me is a story in which Justin Long is slowly, surgically turned into a walrus over the course of the film by a serial killer.  That’s very different.  And, this is a very very scary movie.  There’s suspense.  There’s dread.  There’s sickening body mutilation horror and the anticipation of more to come.  There’s a madman giving you a very detailed Power Point presentation about all the ways he’s going to disfigure your body while you’re strapped down and too drugged to do anything about it.  This is Human Centipede scary.  I didn’t know Kevin Smith had it in him.

Well, I guess I should have suspected that Smith had a very dark streak running through his creative mind after watching Red State.  That was pretty twisted.  But, it was a horror story that could have plausibly happened in our modern world—getting abducted by an extremist religious cult and being ceremonially murdered as an example.  Whereas this one—wow, did it come out of left field!  So, Justin Long is a podcaster.  He’s one of those loud, raunchy types that maintains a large listener base due to the raw shock value of the show.  It’s the kind of show that seeks out weird, crazy, or sad people out there on the internet to publicly taunt and ridicule for the entertainment of its audience.  Justin Long is travelling up in Canada to meet with one such internet personality.  But, when that interview falls through, he’s left to find an alternate story, or waste the hundreds of dollars he spent on the plane ticket.  And, that’s what leads him to the mansion of a reclusive, old, paraplegic man who promises great stories from his time on the high seas!  And of course, all the trouble starts from there.

This is a bizarre, strange, sickening movie.  And, I kinda loved it.  I had no idea where the story was going coming in, and it just kept getting worse and worse.  The idea is completely crazy.  The premise sounds ridiculous and silly.  And, it is ridiculous.  But, I’m telling you that it’s also unbelievably tense and terrifying.  So, I’m telling you to see it.  Don’t watch this movie it you’re a delicate, sensitive flower.  It’s gross.  And, it’s offensive.  But, the movie also isn’t a straightforward, earnest horror flick.  There’s plenty of nonsense in there to freshen up all the traditional horror movie tropes.  And, that’s well worth your money to see.  But, I think I want you guys to watch this movie just because it’s so different from anything you’ve probably ever seen before.  And, that’s quite a feat these days with all the streaming services out there, ready to cater to our every whim within seconds.  So, I’m daring you to take a chance on this one.

Scout's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse - Raunchy Fun

Movie: Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

My Rating: 3 stars

This is just another comedic, teen, zombie movie, cut from the same cloth as all the others.  But, I like that kind of thing.  I like funny zombie movies, and this is a pretty good execution of the genre—charming protagonists, hateful villains, pretty solid zombie makeup.  However, I think the script could have stayed a little more on-theme.  The movie holds itself out to be a comedy in which Boy Scouts use their “particular set of skills” to kill zombies more effectively than the general public.  And, there wasn’t really much of that happening.  Most of the “scouting” was limited to the boys running around the film in their uniforms.  There wasn’t very much knot-tying, fire-starting, or marching in unison in a fascist, flag-saluting ceremony.  I was hoping that that was going to be more of a hook that would set this movie apart from the others.  But it just didn’t deliver.

Maybe the point of our main characters being Boy Scouts is to highlight the fact that they’re awkward, teenage boys.  Because, their teenage shortcomings really do come into play in the story.  Teen boys can be horny, zitty, and destructive creatures.  They’re simultaneously terrified of women, and fascinated by them.  They can sometimes be physically incapable of tearing their eyes away from a nice rack, or a slightly too-sheer skirt.  And, that becomes a real problem once our precious, little scouts begin encountering zombie ladies in various states of undress.  One part of their minds are screaming, “Run!”, while another part is droning, “Boobies!”  And, that kind of hesitation can get you killed.  It also provides the setup for a lot of really raunchy jokes.  Dicks, boobs, awkward teen fumbling—it’s all fair game.  And, I’ll admit to laughing as much as I was cringing.

This isn’t the best zombie comedy in the world, but it’s better than a lot I’ve seen.  I’d recommend it to you guys if you’re in the mood for something rude.  You just can’t be one of those easily-offended types.  There’s lots of body part humor in this movie.  And, lots of blood and guts.  It’s cartoonish gore, but it’s still pretty messy.  And, I know that some of my readers do have delicate stomachs.  But if you think you can handle all of that, this movie really is fun.  The characters are charismatic, and we get the satisfaction of seeing them really kick butt (once they get over the distraction of so many chesty zombies).  It’s worth renting.

The Night Before - Millennial Debauchery

Movie: The Night Before

My Rating: 4 stars

I pretty much knew what I was getting with this movie going in.  It’s another Seth Rogen and Joseph Gordon-Levitt flick.  So it’s going to be a movie about a bunch of love-sick Millennials going through various existential crises while getting wildly drunk all over town.  It’ll be a city-wide scavenger hunt for various hipster totems. Our heroes will find themselves in all kinds of wacky situations.  They’ll take drugs they don’t intend to.   And it will ultimately result in our pudgy, dorky heroes winning the hearts of girls who are way too hot for them.  And, this time it’s Christmas themed!  But, I still really liked this movie.  It was exactly the kind of silly, madcap romp that was designed to appeal to people in my generation and socioeconomic class.  And, I’m not going to apologize for that.

This is another one of those movies that I was totally intending to see in the theater.  There was a whole period of time where I was off work, and going to the movie theater every day to avoid the construction workers doing renovations on my house.  It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to them.  It’s just that I wanted them to think that I had something to do with my time other than loaf around the house in my pajamas.  But, this was another one of those movies that I failed to catch during the short window of its opening weekend, and then it failed to perform, and was gone from theaters forever.  So, I had to wait for Netflix to stock it.  And, it was still pretty fun, even though it was in the beginning of summer, and in the mundane surroundings of my living room.

This is the kind of movie that you’re either going to love or hate, depending on your tolerance for hipster mandchildren bumbling through their social lives, yet managing to get the girl and fail upward in their careers.  If those people irritate you beyond reason, then this isn’t the movie for you.  But if you’re willing to forgive these gentlemen for their privilege and shortcomings, and enjoy watching them have a drug-addled good time, then add this one to your queue.  It’s silly and gratifying.  And, it’s full of holiday cheer that’s markedly different from the maudlin, saccharine, moralizing garbage they usually plaster all over TV during the season.  But, I don’t think that enjoyment of this movie will be universal.  It’s definitely only designed for a very specific subset of American 20 or 30-somethings, and maybe only a percentage of those.  But, I was charmed, and maybe you will be too.  You’ll probably have a good idea based on whether you liked any of the other Seth Rogen movies.  So make your decisions accordingly.

The A-Team - 'Merica!

Movie: The A-Team (2010)

My Rating: 4 stars

This movie is so much fun.  There’s not really much more to say about it.  I was aware of the original TV show as a pop culture reference, but I never watched it, so I don’t know if this movie has much to do with it other than the character names.  But it sure is a good time.  There are explosions and pretty ladies.  Heists and heavy artillery.  The stakes are high, the action sequences are improbable, and the one-liners are hilarious.  Plus, it looks like the stars of this film were definitely having a good time while making it.  What more can you ask for?

Liam Neeson plays Hannibal, the leader of the group, and brains of the operation.  Bradley Cooper is Face, the pretty-boy lady-killer.  Quinton “Rampage” Jackson is B.A. Baracus, complete with the sweet-ass van and haircut.  And, my new favorite, Sharlto Copley plays Murdock, the throwing-cats-at-cars-crazy pilot.  It’s an awesome crew, and the actors clearly like working together.  The fellas are Iraq War veterans this time around—not Vietnam like the show.  But, I doubt that changes much about the dynamic.  These guys are on the side of truth and good.  And, they’re going to track down the bad guys no matter what.  Even if it means engaging in horribly dangerous missions, or acting in direct opposition to the instructions of their government.  But, our boys aren’t worried about silly things like laws or treaties.  Justice will be done!

I can’t remember exactly what goes down in the story.  Because, this movie really is more about watching guys jump off of planes and onto speeding semi trucks.  I know there are some printing plates for American currency involved somehow.  And there are lots of guys on their tail—arms dealers, CIA agents, well-meaning Army officials trying to track down our heroes to court martial them.  But, all these groups are just annoyances to the A-Team—an obstacle to be overcome in the process of saving the day.  But, these guys are up to the challenge.

This is a very fun movie.  There’s nothing serious about it at all.  It’s just a balls-out, explosion-filled, heist movie/action flick.  It’s got stunts and fire and tons of loud, rowdy fun.  I definitely recommend this movie if you’re in the mood for something light and nostalgic.  Of course, I don’t actually know how nostalgia-inducing the film is.  I don’t know whether it would be satisfying to people who loved the show or not.  Maybe it’s a total bastardization of the original.  But, in that case, ajust pproach this movie as a silly, standalone piece of fluff and you’ll probably be ok.  Because, this movie is so wild and silly that I think you’d be hard pressed not to have a good time.

Terminator Genisys - More of the Same

Movie: Terminator Genisys

My Rating: 3 stars

I’ve watched all the Terminator movies to date, so when a new one comes out I practically feel obliged to watch it.  It doesn’t even really matter what kinds of reviews it’s getting.  I’m in too deep, so I’m not going to stop now.  I’m not quite sure how the story in this movie is supposed to differ all that much from previous ones.  All the standard elements are present.  Kyle Reese goes to the past again, to meet up with Sarah Connor again, to father John Connor again, and to stop the robot war once and for all . . . again.  It’s well-worn ground.  But, there’s something to be said for the classics.

Of course, this installment of the franchised does have a few novelties to offer.  CGI technology keeps getting better and better, so the killer robots just keep getting more impressive.  And, this movie was getting a lot of buzz because the special effects wizards managed to develop a technique to rejuvenate Arnold Schwarzenegger.  That way he could play a brand new terminator from the past, as well the old, busted model in the present, after it’s been aging for decades.  That’s fun enough to see.  Nothing to get too excited for, though.  Then there’s the decision to cast Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones as Sarah Connor.  She’s pretty popular these days, so that casting decision was definitely going to get some attention.  The last item of note is that this time around, the bad terminator is played by a sexy Asian man, Byung-hun Lee.  We’ve had sexy white guys, and sexy white ladies playing this villain.  So it’s great to see someone else get a chance to be the beautiful, evil, killing machine.  But, all of these are just little details that help color the story in the film.

This movie really wasn’t all that different from all the Terminator movies that came before it.  I guess there’s not really any reason to watch it if you’re not already really into these movies.  Some of its precursors are definitely better.  But, I like the franchise enough to keep checking in with it every time there’s an update.  And, I wasn’t disappointed.  So, that might be reason enough to go ahead and check this one out.

Carol - Sexy and Sad

Movie: Carol

My Rating: 4 stars

What a beautiful, sexy, sad, little film.  There’s a lot of very complex human emotions all tied together in this movie, and it’s definitely worth looking into.  When I first heard the premise of this film—an illicit lesbian relationship in 1950s America—I thought it was going to be another snoozy art-house piece.  But, this film actually gives viewers a pretty genuine-feeling glimpse into the lives of two women taking the first tentative steps into a new relationship.  The energy created by all the sexual tension between these characters is mesmerizing.  We all understand the feeling of first falling in love, regardless of whether it’s a homosexual or heterosexual relationship.  That first thrill of attraction and possibilities is intoxicating.  And, it makes for very interesting viewing.

The barriers that these two women have to overcome in order to pursue this attraction create the backbone of this story.  Cate Blanchett plays Carol, the older sophisticated, wealthy woman who is married with a child.  Rooney Mara plays Therese, the young, doe-eyed innocent.  She doesn’t really know what she’s looking for yet, but a gay relationship isn’t yet socially acceptable in 1950s New York.  She’s not very enthusiastic about the various boyfriends in her life.  But, she’s captivated by this glamourous, extroverted woman who comes into her life in a chance meeting at her job.  She may not even realize that it’s a romantic attraction, but what she does know is that yes she would like to have lunch with Carol, and she doesn’t look back.

This is a gorgeous movie.  The costumes, the color palette, and cinematography are beautiful.  So much information is conveyed by what’s not said—the communication is in the pauses and glances.  But, in addition to this being a successfully executed film, I think it’s an important piece of art, too.  We’ve pretty much been ignoring these stories in this country for decades.  So, I’m really glad to see some more diversity popping up in Hollywood, even if the progress is relatively slow.  This movie isn’t the self-important snoozefest that I was preparing myself for.  It’s actually a little exciting, and definitely sexy.  Blanchett is a tiger.  She’s the charismatic alpha, and she’s used to winning the girls she’s interested in.  And, we get to watch her slowly reel in Rooney Mara with her charm and certainty.  I think you’ll probably like this film if you give it a chance.  You just have to be in the mood and have sufficient energy to watch a drama.

Zoolander 2 - Beautiful Idiots

Movie: Zoolander 2

My Rating: 4 stars

Now, this movie is fun.  I love stupid, silly, fun movies—especially when I’ve been working a lot.  And, this movie hits all those criteria.  Yes, it’s dumb.  But, sometimes it’s ok to give yourself permission to enjoy something frivolous.  Sometimes it’s ok to eat sweet tarts and cheese popcorn for dinner.  So, I was actually looking forward to this second installment of this slapstick comedy.  And, once again we descend into the dark underworld of male fashion modeling.  There are some sinister plans afoot.  Someone has been going around the world killing pop stars.  But, unfortunately all the people in the pop music and fashion modelling world are too dumb to see a pattern or put any clues together.  Call in the Fashion Police!

I’m not the biggest fan of Ben Stiller.  He’s ok, and I know this movie is supposed to be a Ben Stiller vehicle.  But, I like these movies more for Owen Wilson and Will Ferrell’s crazy antics.  And, of course all of the celebrity cameos are hilarious.  The last movie had a few, but this one is packed with them.  All the big names in fashion and media are there.  And, it’s pretty great to see how lousy at acting they all are.  It’s almost painful to watch Tommy Hilfiger deliver his handful of lines.  But, that really only makes this movie better.

In this movie Hansel and Zoolander are old, washed-up, has-beens.  They’re out of the modeling biz, and they’re certain they’ll never do it again.  But, when one last modeling gig calls them to Rome, neither one can resist.  And, the fashion world has changed a lot in the interim.  After the boys left, the fashion world was taken over by ironic hipsters.  Everything is now dubstep, skateboards, and bad tattoos.  It’s all very confusing for Zoolander and Hansel.  But of course, everyone except for the models knows that this invitation can only be a trap.  Someone’s up to no good, and they’re going to use the models as pawns in their scheme.

This is a stupid, funny movie.  I liked it.  And, if you like silly fluff, then you probably will too.  A lot of the jokes are continuations or callbacks to ones in the first movie, so you’ll probably need to see that one first.  But, there are plenty of jokes to be made about idiot models and self-important fashionistas.  It’s definitely worth renting for a casual evening at home.

Tangerine - Adorable

Movie: Tangerine

My Rating: 4 stars

I was so charmed by this movie.  I don’t know what I was expecting.  Maybe a depressing art-house flick about the hard life on the streets for transsexual prostitutes.  Something really angry and brooding.  What I wasn’t expecting was something as adorable and heartwarming as this.  Don’t get me wrong.  This is still a movie about the hard life on the streets for transsexual prostitutes in Los Angeles.  But, it’s so sweet.  The ugliness is still there, but the story is about people who can overcome those difficulties, and find something to hope for.  We still see our girls turning tricks in cars and trying to scrape together enough cash to pay rent and keep themselves fed.  But, we also get a glimpse into the little concerns in their lives.  We get to know them as people.

We get to see our protagonists fussing over their hair and outfits, and discussing how their new hormone therapy is going.  We get to learn about the relationships they have with boyfriends, and some of their nicer, regular clients.  It’s a life that’s completely foreign from my own experience.  But the film presents these characters in a way that makes us instantly identify with their daily concerns.  But, really this is a movie about friendship.  It’s a story about the friendship between Alexandra and Sin-Dee—a pair of best friends who are working on the streets, but who have greater aspirations.  Alexandra wants to be a singer.  She spends the film blanketing the town with flyers for her performance that night.  And, Sin-Dee wants to settle down with a nice husband.  She’s in a relationship with Chester, a local pimp (not hers), but she spends most of the film trying to track him down based on a rumor she heard about him hooking up with another girl while she was in jail for the month.  It’s the central mystery of the film, and it takes our girls on a chase all over North Hollywood trying to track him down to get some answers.  But, things aren’t always what they seem.

This movie is so cute.  I really recommend it—especially to people who think that it sounds like self-righteous, political, snooze-fest.  Because, it really is very heartwarming and life-affirming.  You’ll fall in love with these girls, and want to hug each of them at so many different points during the story.  I’ve found myself still talking about it months after having watched it.  And, that always means that I’ve seen something worthwhile.  So, I think you’ll probably enjoy it too, as long as you’re in the mood for a low-budget, indie, optimistic, relationship drama.  I admit that I’m not always in the mood for something like that.  But, if the mood ever strikes you, don’t hesitate to choose this movie.

Cooties - Zombie Kids!

Movie: Cooties

My Rating: 3 stars

This is just another zombie movie.  It’s pretty fun, but it’s not really breaking any new ground.  This movie tries to distinguish itself from others by making all of the zombies little kids.  They get infected after being served tainted chicken nuggets in the school cafeteria.  And, the disease only takes hold in bodies that haven’t gone through puberty.  The teachers have to figure out how to escape the school since the kids have it surrounded.  (They’re cornered in the teacher’s lounge).  But, they also have to find a way to signal to others that the school is dangerous.  Their biggest concern is the parents who will be coming to pick up their children in a few hours, and who have no idea that they’re walking into a death trap.

This movie is a horror comedy.  It’s got plenty of zombie gore and guts.  But, it’s first mission is really just to land a few jokes.  And, it’s fine.  The makeup is good, the writing is decent, the actors are charming.  It stars Elijah Wood, Alison Pill, Rainn Wilson, and Jack McBrayer.  But, there’s nothing very remarkable about the movie.  I actually can’t remember any specific jokes or anything but the broadest plot outline.  It’s that middle-of-the-road.  However, the movie isn’t completely without its charms.  Viewers are offered the perverse pleasure of watching teachers bashing in the heads of obnoxious pre-teens with shovels.  I’m sure there are a few educators out there who might get a little thrill watching this movie after a hard day in the trenches.  It’s always fun to watch something a little subversive.  But, it might not be enough to save the film.

The movie is fine, and I don’t think you’d regret watching it.  But, I still don’t think I’d go to the level of recommending it.  It’s just not brining anything all that new or interesting to the table.  It’s just another zombie movie, and we’ve all seen plenty of those.  Still, I feel bad for not endorsing the film since there really is nothing wrong with it.  But, I just couldn’t get excited about it.

Seven Psychopaths - Unexpectedly Amazing

Movie: Seven Psychopaths

My Rating: 5 stars

This movie is great.  But, it’s hard to explain.  There are so many different narrative layers weaving together at once.  It’s a story about a novelist.  So we get to see his story.  But then, we also get to dive into some of the stories that he writes.  But, then some of the fiction starts blending in with reality.  And, sometimes it’s unclear which characters are real, and which are fictional.  It’s all one big, indecipherable mess, until the conclusion of the film when all the loose ends are tied up, and the different layers are explained to us in a somewhat satisfying matter.  But, it’s a confusing, but interesting journey up until that point. 

It’s very ambitious writing.  I’ve seen that kind of thing go bad before.  But, this movie manages to pull it off very impressively.  Perhaps it has something to do with the movie’s A-list cast.  Colin Ferrell is our novelist.  And Sam Rockwell is the best friend that’s egging him on and enabling his raging alcoholism.  Cristopher Walken is Rockwell’s partner in their “entrepreneurial” endeavors, and Woody Harrelson is the criminal boss that the pair accidentally make enemies with.  Abbie Cornish is Farrell’s pissed off girlfriend, and Gabourey Sidibe is the poor dog-walker caught in the middle of the whole mess.  Even Tom Waites pops up in a few scenes as one of our titular psychopaths.  It’s crazy, and edgy, and completely unpredictable, and all that makes this movie pretty great.  But, I think this amazing cast may have won this project enough resources to polish off any rough edges it may have had.

This is a very violent movie.  The title is Seven Psychopaths.  So, you’ve got to imagine that some of those psychopaths are up to no good.  And, this movie has its fair share of unrepentant violence, grisly gore, explosions, and murders.  And while all of those scenes are relatively jarring, they’re presented in the context of this very meta, darkly comedic, and self-aware script. So, it doesn’t read the same way as if this were an action flick, or a crime drama.  A lot of it is presented as if it were theoretical, fictional crime, so those scenes don’t have quite the same emotional impact as they would if they were presented at face value.  But, that being said, there’s plenty of bloody violence in the scenes taking place in the “present” as well.

It’s really hard for me to describe the tone of this movie to you.  It’s nominally about crime and crime-drama writing, but it has so much more going on in it than that.  There’s black humor, several different layers of meta comedy and social commentary, as well as an expertly crafted work of sensationalist crime fiction.  Sam Rockwell steals the movie as the most charming, irresponsible, best friend ever.  But, he presents his opinions with such authority that you find yourself wanting to go along with whatever he says.  The movie is surprising and unexpected, and much better than you probably think it’ll be.  So, I definitely recommend this one.  Just be prepared for a little throat slitting.

Jem - Sparkles and Wigs

Movie: Jem

My Rating: 3 stars

This movie is garbage.  But, I think we all know by now that I’m not above a good roll in the dumpster.  Heck, I enjoy it!  I’ll prepare myself some of my favorite trash food—Hot Pockets, boxed macaroni, or perhaps some cheese popcorn if I’m feeling ritzy—and pop one of these abominations on the screen.  It’s an evening gloriously free of any kind of value or substance.  And, I’m not even going to claim that I feel guilty about it.  Because, I love this stuff.  I love the pink wigs, the sparkles, the leather, the face paint.  This can’t be a surprise to any of you.

I wasn’t really old enough in the 80s to have watched the TV show that this movie is based on.  Of course, I was aware of the characters with their cotton-candy hair and puffy 80s prom dresses.  And, I was vaguely aware that the show was supposed to be about some sort of girl band.  But, I don’t think I’d ever watched a whole episode through.  But, that didn’t affect my decision to rent this movie.  The outfits were enough for me.  I’ve watched my fair share of movies just on the promise of the clothes—Marie Antoinette, the aptly named 27 Dresses.  And dammit, each of those movies delivered a satisfying amount of over-the-top costumery, even if they didn’t have much else going on in the way of plot or dialogue.  So, I was perfectly satisfied watching this group of four teenage musicians move to Los Angeles and get brand new, age-inappropriate makeovers at the hands of a predatory record producer.  These girls are going to be pop stars!  And, that means they’re gonna need a whole lot more silver spikes, sparkle eye shadow, and pink face paint.  That’s what the kids these days are doing, right?

I really didn’t care what this movie was going to end up being.  I already knew from the trailer that it was going to be a hot pink, glitter explosion.  So, I was pleasantly surprised when the movie managed to have a coherent story line.  Of course, it’s a cheesy romance combined with a syrupy “going on a scavenger hunt to uncover your dead father’s last message” story.  This is a movie for teenage girls, after all.  But, I was able to follow it.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not telling you to see this movie if you’re at all on the fence about it.  It’s not a good movie.  But, it is a costumer’s dream.  So if you want to spend an hour or two letting shimmering fabrics and strumpets’ makeup jobs wash over you in waves, check this one out.  If not, you’d best move along.