Taking Woodstock - An Impressive Amount of Nudity

Movie: Taking Woodstock

My Rating: 3 stars

I don’t know why it took me so long to finally get around to watching this movie.  I had always been interested in seeing it.  It’s a fun story, and supposedly based on true events.  (Although, these historical stories are always fictionalized to seem much more glamorous and better smelling than they really were in real life).  I’m a pretty big fan of many of the comedians and actors who star in this one—Dmitri Martin, Emile Hirsch, Paul Dano, Liev Schreiber, Eugene Levy—and I think they all did a really good job.  But, it always seemed like there was something a little more urgent on the docket.  But, there’s something very satisfying about finally getting around to one of those old movies that’s been taunting you from your queue for years.

As you may deduce from the title, this movie is about the historic Woodstock music festival in 1969.  It tells the story of the festival organizers, and of the families who owned the land on which the concerts took place, (and who unwittingly opened the floodgates to all the psychedelic revelry, and muddy wallowing).  Dmitri Martin plays the young man who talks his parents and their neighbors into allowing the festival to take place on their farms after the event had been banned from other towns.  They really seized the opportunity to revitalize their town’s economy.  But, I don’t think any of them were expecting the 400,000 dirty hippies who showed up.  And, the movie does a pretty good job of illustrating just how filthy these young music lovers were.  It has them dropping acid, and wallowing in mud, and skinny-dipping in the local river.  There really is quite an impressive number of exposed breasts in this film, if that’s something that’s relevant to your interests.  But, all the kids look like they’re having a good time, and I think the movie does a fun job of illustrating all the old-timey shenanigans.

Again, I really think the writers took little artistic license when stitching this story together, but the spirit of it does feel like a pretty authentic story.  And like I always say, just because something didn’t happen, doesn’t mean it’s not true.  I have no problem recommending this movie to my readers.  I don’t think it’s big priority.  I took my sweet time coming to it, and it kept pretty well.  So, no need to go out of your way.  But, it’s a good, solid pick.

Captain January - A Surprisingly Creepy Classic

Movie: Captain January

My Rating: 3 stars

Well, this was just about the creepiest movie I’ve ever seen.  I decided that I needed to watch this movie because I’d never actually seen a Shirley Temple movie all the way through.  I’d only ever watched the occasional song and dance number on YouTube.  So, I thought it was worth a look.  And, how did I choose which of her many films to watch?  Well, I’m never one to pass up an opportunity to slip on my trusty sailor suit.  But, it was really a toss up.  If I’d chosen Heidi, I’d have had an excuse to break out the old lederhosen.

I was expecting this movie to be very old timey and corny.  But, I wasn’t expecting it to be quite so horrifying.  This is essentially a movie about a cherubic, little, six-year-old girl named Star, hanging out with a bunch of full-grown sailors down at the navy yard.  And, they all seem a little too interested in spending time with her.  The first dance number really gave me the heebie-jeebies with all the men loitering around leering at the little lady.  I know it’s all intended to be very innocent and sweet, but I really had quite a visceral reaction to the scene. 

The story is about a shrewish, old truant officer who is trying to take Star away from the elderly lighthouse owner who “adopted” her but never bothered to send her to school.  This woman is supposed to be the villain in this story, but it seems like she’s probably the only one with an accurate understanding of just how weird Star’s living arrangement is.  Of course, she doesn’t have to be quite such a harpy about it.  She really is quite shrill.  But, even I started to worry about the future of the little girl.  There were also a few other troublesome aspects about the film.  For example, there are an alarming amount of questionable racial slurs thrown around.  And, they just keep bringing it up!  I know things were different back in the 30s when this movie came out, but it still kind of set my teeth on edge.  Then there was the super gross dream sequence toward the end where Star imagines her caretaker as a giant, crying baby.  It’s really bizarre.

This movie is still interesting to watch as a novelty.  It’s definitely a relic from a different era.  But, it really isn’t as charming as the filmmakers clearly intended for it to be.  Oh sure, Shirley Temple is adorable and rosy-cheeked.  She’s a chubby, little angel.  But, the story is really weird, and it’s just strange that no one is acknowledging it.  I wonder if people back in the 1930s thought anything was fishy about it.  I’d be interested in hearing from anyone who knows.

The Purge - All Your Darkest Desires Come to Life

Movie: The Purge

My Rating: 4 stars

So, the idea behind this movie both fascinates me and terrifies me at the same time.  It’s a pretty scary movie.  America is now governed by some kind of authoritarian theocracy.   They’re all powerful, all seeing, and completely, throwing-cats-at-cars bonkers.  The new government boasts utopian new statistics.  The unemployment rate is down to 1%, and murder and other violent crimes are almost completely eradicated.  All this is made possible by the yearly “Purge.”  It’s a quasi-religious holiday designed to clean all the hate and dark thoughts out of the hearts of citizens.

One night a year for 12 hours, all crime is legal . . . and all emergency/police services are suspended.  You can always hole up in the safety of your reinforced home and avoid the crazies.  But you can also choose to go out and engage in all the murdering, vandalizing, and pillaging you’ve ever been tempted to commit during your weakest moments.  Knock off that boss who’s been giving you grief.  Or, that bimbo that your husband has his eye on.  Or, even just obnoxious Chad from the golf course, who always seems to have better gadgets than you do.  But, of course, if you want to hit the streets with all your coolest new weapons, then that makes you a target of all this unchecked violence as well.  Kinda makes you wish you’d been a bit nicer all your creepy neighbors during the past year, huh?

All the action in this story centers around Ethan Hawke and his beautiful family.  He’s a home security systems salesman, specializing in armored doors and windows, and video cameras so that you can enjoy the Purge from the peace of your living room.  But he’s not the most popular guy in town since he’s made quite a hefty profit off all his neighbors.  But that isn’t the start or the end of his problems.  He also has a seventeen-year-old daughter with a very aggressive, hormonal boyfriend.  This kid has started to resent Dad’s strict rules about visiting hours.  Then, there’s his little son—a compassionate soul who doesn’t agree with the Purge, and who wants to help every fleeing soul who runs by the house.  Lena Heady plays the wife in this family, and for once in her cinematic career, her character is pretty harmless.  She’s not bringing too many self-defense skills to the table, but at least she isn’t actively undermining the family’s chances of survival the way all the other members are.  All in all, she’s the least aggravating character in this story, so I found myself rooting for her (and only her).  All this is definitely a recipe for trouble.  And naturally, trouble finds this family.  So many people wish them ill!  There are all the jealous neighbors.  Then there are the random, murderous vagrants who are running amok.  And, of course, there are those terrifying, sociopathic kids at the prep school down the road.  It’s quite a confluence of truly terrifying events.

I had a really fun time watching this movie.  It is straight up horror.  There’s no comedy in this one.  So, expect some pretty standard slasher fare, and the typical amount of blood and guts you find in that kind of movie.  It’s not terribly gory, but there’s a fair amount of violence, and some pretty scary suspense.  And, definitely prepare to find yourself cursing all the main characters (that you’re supposed to care about) for their total stupidity.  But, it’s definitely worthwhile.

Grabbers - Rollicking, Boozy Fun

Movie: Grabbers

My Rating: 4 stars

So, this is a pretty classic, “aliens from outer space” flick.  And, it follows all the basic plot conventions that you’ve come to expect from the genre.  Aliens suddenly appear in a small, isolated community, and it’s up to the rag-tag bunch of locals to put their heads together and come up with a solution for expelling them.  And, these humble folks usually end up saving the whole world from this otherworldly plague while they’re at it.  This film sticks to the formula pretty faithfully.  But, I was particularly tickled with the specifics of this story.  It centers around a pretty funny plot device.

The aliens in this particular tale need only two things to survive—water (to keep their wet bodies hydrated), and blood (for sustenance).  If their bodies dry out, they go dormant, and if they don’t get enough food, they eventually die.  Although, as War of the Worlds has taught us, visitors from outer space are usually pretty delicate creatures, and they don’t have a huge tolerance for earthly irritants, bacteria, or poisons.  And, these ill-fated visitors learn just a little bit too late that there’s nothing more toxic to their dainty systems than the liquored-up blood of a rural Irishman.  In fact, it’s deadly poison to them.  These space invaders sure chose the wrong town to visit!  The residents of this island are initially caught completely unawares by the tenticly, fishy creatures.  But, they do have their all-day boozing to keep them safe for a little while.  These silly villagers just have to get their act together (but not sober up) long enough to figure out a way to dry out these creatures before they all get killed.  It’s quite the comedy of errors.  And, there’s even a fun, little romantic subplot to help move things along a little bit.  There’s nothing quite so funny as two fumblingly drunk protagonists trying to sincerely profess their deepest feelings for one another.

This movie is definitely a winner.  There aren’t really any surprises.  It follows the typical conventions of the genre to a T.  But, it’s still a really good time.  I can tell that the writer and director (and actors) really had a fun time with all the silliness allowed by such a goofy premise.  And, I generally enjoy stories where people are willing to poke a little fun at themselves.  Horror and comedy were meant to be together.  And, it’s refreshing to watch a movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Tokyo Gore Police - A Blood-and-Guts Snooze-fest

Movie: Tokyo Gore Police

My Rating: 2 stars

So, I didn’t really enjoy this movie very much, and I’m not quite sure why.  I typically like this kind of thing.  But, maybe I’ve been watching a few too many of these Japanese B-shock/thrillers lately, because I feel like I’ve seen all of this material before.  I mean, I know that this genre is based on adhering to very well worn tropes and hitting all the marks like clockwork.  But, despite how bloody and gory and action packed this movie is, I kinda found it to be a snooze-fest.  The story just seemed to be all over the map, and I had a hard time focusing on any one plot point.  Of course, I’m perfectly willing to accept that this opinion may be entirely subjective.  There are far too many people whose judgment I trust that really like this movie for me to just write it off.  But I really wasn’t feeling it the day that I watched it.

This is your classic blood-and-guts, dystopic society, black comedy, featuring futuristic cops and villains with implausible, supernatural powers.  Just your typical Thursday night flick.  Ruka is a cop with a chip on her shoulder.  She witnessed her police father, (her hero), killed on the job.  And, now she’s committed to taking down the new brand of mutant criminal who is terrorizing the town.  But, these aren’t just any mutants.  These are super monstrosities, who grow grotesque weapons out of their bodies at the location of any wound they receive.  And, I guess that’s the plotline that runs throughout.  Although, the director really just uses it as an excuse to show a string of ever more troubling mutations and dismemberments.  It really is quite insane.  And, each new villain is more disgusting than the next.  This film really pushes good taste to the limit, mixing hyper-sexualized situations and depictions of the most depraved imagery and mutilation.  It’s a lot to handle.  But, ultimately that’s not what turned me away from this movie.  The practical effects department really did outdo themselves with all the viscera depicted in this movie.  But, I’ve seen a lot worse.  It really was the half-baked story line that killed it for me. 

I guess this movie is considered a classic, so I can’t really bring myself to warn you away from it.  I suppose it’s a benchmark that you should probably hit if you’re into Japanese horror films.  I’m just saying that I wasn’t all that into it.  The story just didn’t capture my full attention.  I guess if you’re determined to go down this particular genre road, I’d just advise you to start somewhere a little more fun.  Perhaps a MachineGirl, or a Sukeban Boy.