Notorious and Trapped in the Closet - An Interesting Weekend of Films

Well, I had quite the weekend of film viewing.  A few friends thought it’d be a hoot to watch these movis—not that I can pass off all responsibility on this one.  Although, I don’t think anyone planned on watching them back-to-back.  We kinda just let the mood take us.  You know how crazy situations tend to spiral out of control.

Movie: Notorious

My Rating: 2 stars

I’ve already watched Biggie & Tupac, the documentary that covers most of this same material.  So, I was a little discouraged to learn that this movie was a more “fictionalized” account of Biggie’s life.  I don’t even know why people try to candy coat their stories this brazenly anymore, since it’s so easy to check facts on the internet.  Do they honestly think they’re fooling anyone?  There may still be a mystery surrounding the parties responsible for the deaths of Biggie and Tupac, but I think we’re pretty clear on most of the specifics of their lives and careers.

This film portrays Christopher Wallace as a man with only the noblest of intentions, and who was merely a victim of circumstances.  The movie would have you believe that he only did the bad things he did because others manipulated him into it, or totally deceived him.  I’m not trying to downplay the hardships of growing up as a poor boy from a rough neighborhood.  People are willing to try just about anything to survive if they get desperate enough—sell drugs, kill friends, lie, cheat and steal.  And, that goes for everyone.  But, it’s one thing to explain the reasons for one’s morally questionable actions, and another to deny them altogether.  There’s really no question that Biggie lead a life of crime before making it big as a rap star.  And, just about everyone knows about it.  I’m not really sure what benefit someone would get by trying to make all of this history disappear.  Regardless of how justified one feels his actions were, that experience does give his music some real emotion. 

I’m not sure who was behind the creation of this movie, but they certainly had an interest in portraying Biggie in a very positive light.  Perhaps it was his mother.  The documentary includes several interviews with her, and I definitely remember thinking that she didn’t have the best grasp on the reality of her son’s story.  I’m not sure if she made a conscious decision to retell history, or whether she is genuinely delusional, but she isn’t telling the whole truth.  But, who knows how the very early death of a child will affect one’s mental stability.  Maybe this nobler idea of her son is the only thing left this woman has to cling to—in which case, I’m hardly going to begrudge her this comfort.   But, I might suggest she stop giving so many interviews.  I’d say, skip this movie, and check out Biggie & Tupac instead.

Movie: R. Kelly: Trapped in the Closet

My Rating: 4 stars

My friends and I decided to move on to this crazy masterpiece as a pure flight of fancy.  And, please believe me when I say that this film is completely nuts.  I wasn’t entirely sure what I was looking at most of the time, but it definitely managed to capture all of my attention.  R. Kelly is most likely an insane man, but is that really much different from a genius when you sit and think about it?  I think it has something to do with having no inhibitions, or an incapacity to feel any kind of shame.  We do know that Mr. Kelly has had some trouble with impulse control in the past. 

I can’t really explain the story in this “hip-hopera” to you.  Discovering all the soap-opera-like twists and turns in this epic is half the fun of watching it.  R. Kelly’s logic is off the wall, and there’s really no point in trying to guess what will happen next, because he always exceeds you best expectations.  But, let’s just say that all the characters are having wild, torrid affairs with other people, and just about all those other people are connected to one another is some weird way.  That doesn’t sounds all that bizarre, but it’s really just something you have to witness to believe.  The best part is R. Kelly’s narration of the tale.  He sings all of the plot points, the dialogue (complete with regional and racial speech accents), and even all the stage directions.  It’s overkill, but it really adds that certain, demented je ne sais quoi.

Now, this is definitely a work of art that you really do have to watch.  You just don’t come across material this wild and crazy every day.  Or, even in a lifetime!  It definitely gives you an appreciation for the capabilities and limitations of the human mind.  And, you’ll probably watch the whole thing completely slack-jawed the way I did.  And, that’s a good thing with how hard it is to find anything novel anymore.  

Piranha 2010 - Bacchanalian Fun

Movie: Piranha (2010)

My Rating: 4 stars

I refuse to call this sort of movie a guilty pleasure anymore.  Because, you know what?  I’m not all that guilty about it.  And, I think my attitude indicates a broader cultural trend that is going on right now.  It seems like people aren’t all that concerned with hiding the trashy pop-culture they consume because we’re all entitled to some good, cheap fun.  Plus, with all the variety in entertainment we have these days with the many cable TV channels we have, and all the internet programming, there really isn’t one uniform way to be cool anymore.  It used to be that kids had to conform to a pretty narrow image to avoid being tormented.  But, now everyone is kind of free to pick and choose, and curate his or her own unique brand of fun.  This exercise probably boosts the self-esteem of all those engaged in it as well, which in itself could explain some of the bolder choices.

All this is a very long, drawn out way for me to tell you that I’m not ashamed that I loved Piranha.  It’s trashy and raunchy, and totally gross.  But, the movie acknowledges all of these things right up front, and refuses to apologize for any of its tastelessness.  True to its 80s summer-horror-movie roots this movie has got bikinis and boobs and writhing co-eds galore.  But, it gets a fun, modern update by being a little bit ironically self-aware.  The context is Spring Break at a Lake Havasu-style houseboat party.  Director Alexandre Aja increases the trashiness factor by casting Jerry O’Connell as a Joe Francis-like character, who is in town to film another installment of his “Wild Wild Girls” video franchise.  He’s definitely hit gold this year, because there are plenty of wild, topless girls to go around at this party.  But, as we all know, there’s no bait more effective for attracting carnivorous killing machines than half-naked college girls.  The footage is positively bacchanalian, and wonderfully hilarious. 

For those of you who watch this film just to see these snotty, entitled frat boys and sorority girls get their comeuppance, the piranhas do a remarkably efficient job once they go to work.  Anyone coming to this movie solely for all the tits is just going to have to be prepared to sit through some pretty grotesque carnage.  Aja seems to have a pretty twisted sense of humor because his wildly sensationalized fictional fish leave some pretty disgusting bodies in their wake.  These little guys are ravenous and the mangled skeletons they leave behind are picked quite clean.  These scenes are completely over the top, but always presented as comedy, (as dark as it may be).  I very much enjoyed this movie.  Alexandre Aja executes this remake absolutely perfectly.  The film quality is stunning, the pacing is nimble and entertaining, and best of all, he doesn’t take the project (or himself) too seriously.  Check this one out (if you dare).

One-Star Bonanza - I Know Who Killed Me; Tiptoes

I’ve been listening to more of the How Did This Get Made podcast, which means that I’ve been watching more of the most atrocious movies ever to be released on DVD.  Incidentally, my Netflix movie suggestion algorithm has been pretty confused lately.  This recent set of movies has been particularly awful.  Some of the previous selections have been surprisingly entertaining (Vanilla Ice, I’m looking at you).  But, these two movies were really cringe-worthy—so bad that I was almost to embarrassed to look directly at the screen for some scenes.  But, this sort of thing is always good for some mean-spirited hate-watching—the perfect thing if you and a group of friends are feeling a little catty.

Movie: I Know Who Killed Me

You’ll remember this film as the movie that signalled Lindsay Lohan’s nightmare descent into booze and pills.  I remember hearing about this one when she first started filming it, and how she was bragging about having to hang out with strippers and take pole-dancing lessons to prepare for the role.  She would be portraying two different characters—a good-girl, high school student, and then her long lost twin, a smoky, old stripper.  Ms. Lohan must have already fallen from grace at this point in her career, because I remember thinking that this casting choice was particularly inspired.  This would be kind of a sad story, if Lindsay hadn’t been given so many second chances, and then unceremoniously blown them all in a series of spectacular, public, drunken meltdowns.  Oh well, the folly of youth!

So, this movie is pretty insane.  And, it’s not just because of Lindsay Lohan’s mediocre acting skills.  The writing is also completely demented.  None of the characters act like real people, the dialogue is wooden and unnatural, and the story line makes absolutely no sense.  Also, Lindsay looks like she’s about forty years old.  I guess this makes sense for her skanky character, but no one’s going buy that this girl is supposed to be in high school.  The two Lindsay characters are stigmatic twins, separated at birth.  They have no idea that the other exists, but our rough-and-tumble stripper Lindsay starts to suspect that something supernatural is happening when the good, pure Lindsay is kidnapped and tortured by a serial killer.  I’d be suspicious too if my fingers and leg started falling off.  The idea behind stigmatic twins is that they supposedly suffer all the same physical torments.  If one skins her knee, the other will develop the very same wound.  So, it’d be a real bummer if your twin were to be kidnapped by a psycho killer who gets off on dismembering pretty, young girls.

I don’t really know what kind of person went out to see this movie in the theater.  But, if I were to wager a guess, my money would be on the perverts—the kind of person who is into one-legged hookers and prosthetic arm hand jobs.  I’m guessing there were probably a lot of single tickets sold to the midnight showing of this one.  But, perhaps my imagination is running away with me a little bit.  I can’t say I wasn’t curious about this movie.  The whole premise sounded pretty nuts.  So, I’ll give you a free pass to check this one out too.

Movie: Tiptoes

Now, this is a film that I legitimately have no idea how it cold have ever been green lighted.  I guess it got funding based on the strength of the key cast members.  Matthew McConaughey and Kate Beckinsale are a hot and steamy couple, and tons of people would pay to see those two sexing it up.  The premise is even mildly compelling too.  When Kate accidentally gets pregnant, she thinks that this will just be an exciting new stage in their relationship.  But, Mathew has a secret.  It turns out he’s been hiding the fact that he comes from a family of dwarves, and there’s a very high chance that her baby will be a dwarf too.  (Apparently this is not medically accurate at all, but that’s the first in a string of this movie’s flaws).  Now, this little synopsis sounds like it’d actually make quite a thoughtful drama.  But, somehow the director managed to turn this film into a story that is simultaneously completely insane, and also pretty offensive. 

The writing is pretty awful.  Each scene plays like a melodramatic telenovella, with characters flinging accusations across rooms, brooding in corners, and staring into the mid-distance.  The timelines are also hopelessly confused.  Characters wear the same outfit for periods of the film that are supposed to span months.  They pick up running conversations after similarly long time lapses.  It’s very confused.  And, the editing is just abominable.  The flow of the story is really choppy, with awkward cuts and jumps forward in time.  And, each scene starts and ends very abruptly, at places in the story that don’t seem very natural.  But, one of the oddest things about this movie is that it casts Gary Oldman as McConaughey’s dwarf twin brother.  First of all, were there really no other little-person actors that they could have used?  They nabbed Peter Dinklage for the role of Gary Oldman’s drunk, womanizing, sexy-Frenchman, best friend.  But, he can’t be the only working little-person actor.  Second, Oldman and McConaughey aren’t even close to being the same age in real life.  No one would mistake them for being any kind of twins, so there’s no particular reason the director needed to make this casting choice work.  And, it seems like they had to spend a lot of money rigging up special vehicles and furniture to make Oldman look sufficiently small.  And, this is from a film that’s supposed to be about how capable and strong little people can be.  I’m a little suspicious.

This film was a total box-office failure.  No one’s even trying to argue that it wasn’t.  I think everyone involved in it is just hoping that the whole thing would just go away.  And, there’s really no reason you should subject yourself to this disaster unless you’re a sucker for punishment, or are following along with this podcast.

Looking For Ms. Locklear - Rhett & Link's Early Masterpiece

Movie: Looking for Ms. Locklear

I’m a big fan of the hilarious videos of Rhett &Link.  They’ve got a couple different Youtube Channels—one for their music videos and skits, and another for their “morning show,” Good Mythical Morning.  That show is one of my favorites.  These guys also have a series of really funny TV commercials that they shot for local businesses, but I can’t remember which of these channels you can find those on.  Here’s a link to my favorite: Hair School.  I subscribe to all of these channels because I enjoy seeing the new projects these guys have been working on, and that’s how I learned about their feature film, Looking for Ms. Locklear.  Rhett and Link released the film in 2008, but since I only just recently became a fan, I didn’t know about it yet.  Fans could purchase the DVD on their website, but that’s not the most convenient way to check out a new film—especially if you want to watch it right away.  But, they just recently released a streaming version of the film (for rental or purchase) on Youtube and Amazon Instant Video.  That was more up my alley, so I went ahead and downloaded a copy.

The premise of this film is very sweet.  It’s a documentary about Rhett and Link trying to track down their teacher from First Grade, Ms. Locklear.  She was their favorite, and these longtime friends first met in her classroom on the first day of school, when she held them both in from recess for writing naughty words on their desks.  Clearly, the two clicked, and the rest is history.  In these days of social media, it’s pretty easy to track down people from one’s past.  But, that wouldn’t really make for the most interesting documentary.  So, these guys set out to find their favorite teacher the old-fashioned way—by meeting with and talking to elders in the community.  So, Rhett and Link set off on a series of interviews, starting with the administrators of their old school, making a stop at the rural home of an “eccentric,” singing and dancing, mountain man, and ending at a local Native American men’s “beauty pageant.”  If only any of these excursions would have lead to some solid information.  But our duo was diligent, so they didn't let any of these false starts discourage them.

Rhett and Link go on quite an adventure during their search for Ms. Locklear.  And, they meet with some very interesting individuals along the way.  This film is very thoughtful, and it got me thinking about how easy the internet has really made our lives.  It wasn’t that long ago that people really had to rely on this sort of method to find information—talking with people, going to libraries, searching reference books.  It's hard work.  I remember having to this kind of searching back in Jr. High, and it took quite some effort.  I guess this film highlights a lot of the local culture we miss out on by researching via the internet.  But, I’m still a fan of the ease and efficiency of researching online, so I’m prepared to pay the price.

Dr. Bronner's Magic Soapbox - Mental Illness Indulged

Movie: Dr. Bronner's Magic Soapbox

My Rating: 3 stars

I enjoy watching documentaries about real-live crazy people.  We see so many portrayals of this sort of individual in films.  Sometimes the intent is to scare audiences.  Other times, these characters are meant to add an element of humor or tenderness.  But, it’s a totally different story when it comes to documentaries about non-fictional people.  In those instances, I’m simply fascinated to learn more about them—how they got that way, the elements that contributed to the person’s dysfunction, and how it manifested itself in his or her everyday life. 

This film is about the strange and interesting story of Dr. Emmanuel Bronner, and his crazy, hippie soap company.  Bronner came from a family of German soap makers.  He immigrated to America when the Nazis started gaining power in Germany, and he continued with his soap making in the United States.  Somewhere along the way he went completely bat-shit crazy.  And, this wasn’t just a mild case of anxiety.  This was an “abandon your kids at an orphanage, start a cult, be taken to, then escape from a mental hospital” kind of affliction.  I’m not sure whether this was due to some trauma from childhood, the horrors of war, or whether he was simply genetically predisposed to mental illness.  But, you can see the evidence of his obsessive mind in all the pseudo-philosophical gibberish that is printed all over each bottle of the castile soap he sells.  However, none of this mental turmoil ever affected Bronner’s ability or desire to hock his soap.  I have no credentials with which to diagnose this man, but so many of his actions seem extremely obsessive-compulsive—especially the extent to which he associated soap and washing (with a very precise ritual), with moral and philosophical purity.  Incidentally, he was quite the hit on the new-age, spiritual/political lecture circuit.  None of his speeches make any sense, but so many of his words and themes sound so scholarly and educated that there were plenty of people who mistook his opacity for depth.  This man tormented his children with these beliefs, and dragged his office workers out of bed in the middle of the night to take dictation of these ideas whenever he received some “divinely inspired” epiphany.

This documentary is told from the perspective of Emmanuel Bronner’s son, Ralph, and he brings a very interesting element to the film.  He approaches the subject of his father’s accomplishments from a perspective that is simultaneously painful yet proud.  He is very proud of all that his father was able to accomplish given his mental and physical limitations.  He created a whole operating and thriving company from scratch.  Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap is a very popular product, and it can be found almost everywhere in the world, yet this man started the whole thing with a couple of vats in his apartment.  That’s an impressive amount of personal drive.  However, this is the same man who dumped his sister and him at an orphanage after the death of their mother.  That’s got to sting.  Even though Raplh knows that his father probably did this because he was mentally ill and unable to tackle the responsibilities of raising children, it has still got to hurt, and we can see some of the damage in Ralph’s demeanor.

This is a moderately interesting documentary.  It’s pretty obscure, and maybe a little dry, but that shouldn’t be a problem if you enjoy documentaries about very narrow subjects the way I do.  Check it out of you’ve been loafing around the house some Sunday afternoon, and still haven’t managed to change into street-appropriate clothing.  But, this probably isn’t the one to start watching at the end of a long work week and are already half asleep.