My Rating: 2 stars
Oh geez! This movie was clearly made as a thinly-veiled excuse to display a lot of oiled-up, half-nude, sexy people. But, who can blame them? That Jason Momoa is pretty hot right now. And, who can say no to a few scantily clad, Greek, vestal virgins? And, no one even seems to be trying to hide the lack of effort.
The screenwriter, director, and actors are openly phoning it in. In fact, most of the actors don’t even manage to hide their smirks while delivering their lines during some of the more gratuitous scenes.
“Oh, hello naked slave girls. We’ve freed you from your evil captors.”
“How can we ever repay you big strong muscly men?”
It’s totally ridiculous. (Although, Rose McGowan must not have gotten the memo, because she’s taking her acting really seriously). All you can really do is just embrace the madness, and have a good time with these sexy kids. It definitely earns a few bombs from me.
The story is pretty straightforward. The world is in peril because an evil sorcerer is really close to collecting all the magic bones necessary to make a special crown that will give him ultimate power. (Sounds pretty reasonable). And his creepy, eyebrowless, witch daughter, Rose McGowan, has the dark magic to locate the pieces. And, for some reason, the only person who can stop this sorcerer is Conan. I can’t remember why. It could be something to do with his battle skills, charisma, or his glorious hair. Or maybe it was just “prophesied.” “Prophesy” is usually code for the writers not bothering to come up with a real reason. (Plus, it gives them an opportunity to write a few innocent, beautiful priestesses). But, who really cares about the laziness, with all the murder, destruction, and boobies on offer?
This movie is pretty bad. And, I’m not sure whether all the nudity and sword fights are enough to salvage this doozie. Oh, go ahead and check it out if you’re really in the mood for something completely mindless and trashy. But, don’t come complaining to me afterward about the lack of character development or a coherent story. But, mostly I’m disappointed in this movie because I can’t tell whether or not the humor is intentional or unintentional. I need to know. The actors and director either need to be completely in on the joke, or totally cut out of it. It doesn’t work halfway.