My Rating: 4 stars
This movie was not what I was expecting. I was told that this was a Kevin Smith film. Ok, so it’d be funny. And, I was told that it was a story in which Justin Long slowly turns into a walrus over the course of the film. So, absurdist comedy, right? But I was very wrong. Because, this is straight-up horror. Absurdist horror, I’ll grant it that. But the way this movie should have actually been described to me is a story in which Justin Long is slowly, surgically turned into a walrus over the course of the film by a serial killer. That’s very different. And, this is a very very scary movie. There’s suspense. There’s dread. There’s sickening body mutilation horror and the anticipation of more to come. There’s a madman giving you a very detailed Power Point presentation about all the ways he’s going to disfigure your body while you’re strapped down and too drugged to do anything about it. This is Human Centipede scary. I didn’t know Kevin Smith had it in him.
Well, I guess I should have suspected that Smith had a very dark streak running through his creative mind after watching Red State. That was pretty twisted. But, it was a horror story that could have plausibly happened in our modern world—getting abducted by an extremist religious cult and being ceremonially murdered as an example. Whereas this one—wow, did it come out of left field! So, Justin Long is a podcaster. He’s one of those loud, raunchy types that maintains a large listener base due to the raw shock value of the show. It’s the kind of show that seeks out weird, crazy, or sad people out there on the internet to publicly taunt and ridicule for the entertainment of its audience. Justin Long is travelling up in Canada to meet with one such internet personality. But, when that interview falls through, he’s left to find an alternate story, or waste the hundreds of dollars he spent on the plane ticket. And, that’s what leads him to the mansion of a reclusive, old, paraplegic man who promises great stories from his time on the high seas! And of course, all the trouble starts from there.
This is a bizarre, strange, sickening movie. And, I kinda loved it. I had no idea where the story was going coming in, and it just kept getting worse and worse. The idea is completely crazy. The premise sounds ridiculous and silly. And, it is ridiculous. But, I’m telling you that it’s also unbelievably tense and terrifying. So, I’m telling you to see it. Don’t watch this movie it you’re a delicate, sensitive flower. It’s gross. And, it’s offensive. But, the movie also isn’t a straightforward, earnest horror flick. There’s plenty of nonsense in there to freshen up all the traditional horror movie tropes. And, that’s well worth your money to see. But, I think I want you guys to watch this movie just because it’s so different from anything you’ve probably ever seen before. And, that’s quite a feat these days with all the streaming services out there, ready to cater to our every whim within seconds. So, I’m daring you to take a chance on this one.