Movie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
My Rating: 3 stars
I had to see this movie. Now, I’m not saying that I couldn’t wait to see this movie. It’s just that I spent my childhood watching the show and movies with my brother, so it’s a bit of a nostalgia point for me. We all know that Michael Bay befouls everything he touches. But, that knowledge still wasn’t enough to keep me away from this blast from the past.
I don’t necessarily regret having seen this movie. It takes an awful lot for me to be sorry I watched a film. And, I already knew going in that Michael Bay was going to fill it with buxom women, and explosions. But, this movie is markedly different from the Ninja Turtles of my childhood. My Ninja Turtles were goofy and fun loving. Here, they’re bad-ass, killing machines. And, I’m not sure whether April O’Neil was supposed to be sexy or not in the original show (I was a little girl), but that yellow, leather jumpsuit, and that shag haircut wasn’t doing it for me. Megan Fox in a low-cut, white tank-top sets off a few more alarm bells. I mean, I guess she played the part of a fluff-piece reporter pretty well. She’s exactly the type of eye-candy that’d spice up an interview with the winner of the local wiener-dog race, or the oldest-woman-in-Albuquerque’s birthday party. But, I wanted a leather jumpsuit, dammit!
These are relatively tame complaints. And, that’s because I really don’t have any big ones. I guess I wasn’t very comfortable with the Turtles’ new CGI faces. The rubber suits in the first movies actually did a pretty good job of recreating the look of the animated turtles. (Although, they were a little silly too). So, these new, harder, meaner Turtles unsettled me a little bit. But hey, this is a movie about teenage, mutant, ninja turtles. It’s not like I have a really strong argument from the accuracy point of view. But, this movie is trying to profit off of my generation’s nostalgia, so it can’t stray too far from the Platonic ideal.
This is a fine movie. I’m not going to warn any one away from it. But, I’m not going to urge anyone to go out of their way to catch this flick. It’s thoroughly fine. And, I guess I’m ok with that. Although, it is a bit sad when the best I can say about a movie is that it didn’t disappoint me.