Movie: Fifty Shades of Grey
My Rating: Oh, come on!
I’d try to tell you that I rented this movie ironically. But, you probably wouldn’t believe me. Plus, I would have had to invite over a bunch of my friends for a group viewing so that we could jeer the film communally. And, that didn’t happen. But, would you buy that I rented this movie because my curiosity just got the better of me? That feels true to me. I’m not really the type to read trashy romance novels, so it’s not like I was approaching this flick for its prurient value. (I’ve got Game of Thrones for that). Plus, I had heard an intriguing rumor that the filmmakers made this movie to appeal to the type of person who makes fun of the fans of the books. I’m inclined to believe that because everyone I know who unashamedly read these books on the metro had some serious problems with the film adaptation. But, I don’t know why I’m explaining myself so much. I’ve already told you that I’m perfectly capable of consuming and enjoying trash culture. And, I even found a way to enjoy watching every painfully awkward frame of this movie. It really rose to the level of performance art, it was so absurd.
You’d have to be a mole person not to know that this is a story about a shy, virginal, damsel, being dragged into the perverse world of S&M by a mentally unstable billionaire. You know, college. She plays hard to get, and this only intrigues this creep more. There’s nothing new here plotwise, even though the subject matter is nominally a little risqué. Sure, the actors are beautiful. And, the soundtrack is remarkable catchy. But, the best part of watching this movie was seeing it through the lens of all the set gossip I’d heard. It’s a well-known “secret” that the two leads hated each other. And, they really didn’t do a very good job of hiding it on screen. The chemistry is so forced. It’s hilarious. And then, there’s the garbage dialogue itself. I don’t know if it’s the original author’s or the screenwriter’s, but it’s spectacularly wooden. It’s really an accomplishment. Kinda like when you have to expend even more energy slowing down to the walking pace of a pokey strolling partner.
I won’t lie. This movie is definitely a little too racy to watch comfortably in a group. The exception being, of course, if you were lucky enough to see this in theaters with the hoards of hot and bothered, post-menopausal ladies. I would have loved to see that sight. But, the movie is too embarrassing to be funny in a group, and too awkward to be sexy with a date. So, just watch this movie in the anonymous, solitary shame of your den like I did, and you should be a-ok.