One-Star Bonanza

Movie: Original Sin

My Rating: 1 star

Geez! Could you get any cheesier than this?  Antonio Banderas and Angelina Jolie sexing it up all over some old-timey coffee plantation—like some how the fancy, period dress classes it up so that this isn’t just some trashy, Harlequin romance novel?  But, maybe that was the whole point.  Maybe the movie studio was trying to appeal to the frustrated, middle-aged housewife demographic.  Those ladies have got some time on their hands in the middle of the day.  And, a steamy, soft-core porno set in an exotic locale like Cuba might be just the thing to capture some of those untapped dollars.  But of course, this movie was a huge flop.  Silly movie executives!  I think their crucial miscalculation was that movie theaters don’t serve mid-afternoon rose wine, and handfuls of tranquilizers.  (Although, most theaters are boozing it up these days).  So, the target market for this movie was probably all staying home with their “relaxation aids” to watch their soaps from the comfort of their living rooms.

So, this is a pretty ridiculous story.  A wealthy plantation owner (Banderas) sends away for a homely (but supposedly obedient) mail-order bride.  But, when his intended arrives, she turns out to be a total fox (Jolie).  Naturally, they fall instantly in love.  It all seems too good to be true, so needless to say, it is.  Banderas needs to decide whether he is ok living with a wife that seems to have so many dark secrets in her past.  But, he’ll wait to decide this important question after a few more rounds of steamy marital relations.  And, lots of gratuitous nudity.  Why not?  It’s your classic bodice-ripper.  You couldn’t write a trashier story if you tried.

I’m not really sure why I watched this movie.  It’s not like the trailers or promotional materials were hiding how cheesy this movie is.  But, the Netflix streaming service just makes it so easy to watch terrible films without feeling guilty.  There’s just no risk.  If you hate a streaming film, you can just turn it off without having wasted a shipment of a film you really wanted to see.  I guess this movie just looked too hilarious to pass up.  The acting is absolutely atrocious!  How did these people become A-list actors?  Sure, they’re beautiful, but their acting looks like it’s out of some terrible community theater play (except that the subject matter is a little more risqué).  I don’t think director Michael Cristofer was trying to be ironic.  Hey, this movie was made way before the whole hipster thing came into fashion (2001).  So, maybe the studio just figured that it had enough big names associated with this project to make some money.  Hey, my curiosity definitely got the better of me.  Just don’t let it happen to you.

Modern Times

Movie: Last Train Home

My Rating: 4 stars

Here’s another film that I was sure I’d reviewed already.  I didn’t watch it quite as long ago as Pan’s Labyrinth, but it’s still been some time.  And, this is actually a film that I think about on a pretty regular basis.  The documentary just has so much to say about this new world we’re living in with the new economy and consumer culture taking over.  Plus, it has some pretty interesting points about the relationship between today’s youth generation that was born into this scene, and their parents, who have more traditional values and life goals.  There will always be some conflict between the different generations, but it feels to me like the clash featured in this story is particularly dramatic.  There have been so many technological advances in these kids’ lifetimes with the internet, wireless technology, and social networking, and this has driven a fair amount of social change as well.  We have information at our fingertips now, and we can connect to other people who may share our more obscure interests, even if they live half a world away.  I think this has created a youth culture that isn’t so concerned with privacy as their parents are, and one that feels like they don’t have to conform to the narrow life path that their guardians thought was necessary.

I’m making this description sound like it’s about a bunch of snotty, American kids, but it turns out that this phenomenon is also going on in China (and probably a lot of other places as well).  This documentary shows an interesting, new family dynamic in a China that is fueling the world’s appetite for cheap consumer products.  Since we’ll buy these goods as fast as China churns them out, there is a huge demand for factory workers.  Although, since there’s also a huge supply of people to fill those roles, wages are also pretty low.  But, this has created a family dynamic where parents leave their kids with grandma and grandpa, and head to the city to make some money.  The result is a generation of kids who don’t really know their parents, and don’t really care what they think (more than your typical, surly teen).  Families reunite once a year during the chaotic Chinese New Year, and they have to compete with the millions of other people who are also trying to get train tickets home.  You’ve never seen such mayhem.  Sometimes it takes several days to finally squeeze onto a train, and people have to wait at the station the whole time.  It looks so miserable.  Parents make this sacrifice of living apart because they want a better life for their families.  They want their kids to stay in school, so that they don’t have to compete in this unskilled labor market with the millions of other participants.  But, the kids are attracted to the lights of the city, and the allure of quick money.  Why would they want to waste time with school in their little, country, farm towns when there are night clubs and hair salons to go visit? 

This is one of those really interesting documentaries, where the viewers aren’t really sure whether they like any of the people in it.  The parents are aggressive and inflexible, and the kids are impetuous and contrarian.  Everyone is a little too stubborn for their own good, but really, who isn’t?  It’s really fascinating to see all these changes that America has gone through, also happening in another country.  But, it’s also a little frustrating watching these people clash over and over again, because you know they’ll never budge an inch.  Still, I highly recommend it.

Terrifying Fantasy

Movie: Pan's Labyrinth

My Rating: 5 stars

I can’t believe I hadn’t written about this movie already.  It’s one of my favorites, and I had already started writing this blog when I saw it.  Perhaps it’s because I saw it in the theater.  I generally keep track of movies I want to write about through my Netflix account.  Anything I watch outside of that, I have to note by hand.  And, sometimes I forget.  Or, maybe this is such a big, important film, that I had assumed I’d already covered it.  Oh well.  Better late than never.

Director Guillermo del Toro is pretty awesome.  He’s got an uncanny understanding of how the fantasy genre works—how it should be equal parts fantastical and grotesque.  This film creates a wonderful, magical world full of fairies, magic spells, wood sprites . . . and some of the most terrifying, hideous monsters you’ve ever seen in your life.  There really are some truly scary moments in this film, and plenty of opportunities for danger.  But then, most fairy tales do too.  It’s funny how we forget just how bloody and violent most of these old children’s stories are.  I think the comparison between this movie and a fairy tale is appropriate because it has essentially the same formula.  A young girl, Ofelia, is going with her mother to live with her new (evil) stepfather.  The story is set during the Spanish Civil War, and her new dad is a high-ranking officer on the side of the bad guys.  (I’m ashamed to say that I’m a little fuzzy on the details of that war).  Plus, this guy is just a nasty guy in general.  In order to escape this chaotic, new family life, and the general hardships caused by the war, Ofelia likes to escape into an elaborate fantasy world, although this new world of hers doesn’t really have any less danger or horrific things in it.  But, I think the key is that in this imaginary world, Ofelia has the tools to over come the forces of evil—a series of magical tasks that only she can complete.  Whereas, in the real world she is powerless.

You really have to see del Toro’s aesthetic to understand it.  He works with such rich colors and exotic sets, and he’s a master of creating totally alien, otherworldly visual effects.  You can’t miss it when you see it elsewhere, like in the Hellboy sequel.  But, the look is so foreign that you can never really feel comfortable in it.  You always feel some menacing danger lurking just around the next corner.  But, this makes for a pretty exciting viewing experience.  You really don’t want to skip this movie.  Although, it’s been out so long that chances are, you’ve already seen it.  But, if you haven’t, please accept my endorsement.

Windbags

Movie: The Red Chapel

My Rating: 2 stars

I think North Korea has become the latest cultural equivalent of Mount Everest.  It’s become a tourist destination for wealthy Westerners who want to be seen as adventuresome and edgy.  And, just about all of these travellers make sure to document their subversive exploits by making semi-secret documentaries about the whole thing.  Of course, since the North Korean cultural exchange goons carefully controls the sights that foreigners have access to, all these documentaries end up looking almost identical to one another.  Still, it’s possible to distinguish between the different films when it comes to technical skill and overall concept.  Various filmmakers are probably hoping to accomplish different things with their films, even if the Koreans are marching them past all the same monuments to their dear leader.  Some are attempting to show the poor conditions these people are living in, or the country’s outdated technology.  Others focus on the stress the people are living with as they are forced to slap a smile on their faces and give their little speeches about how much they love the place—all while fearing that if they slip up just a little, they’ll be dragged out of their homes in the middle of the night and forced to labor in some salt mine.

Many of the visitors have good intentions.  But Mads Brugger?  It seems like he’s more interested in showing how provocative and brave he is, regardless of the consequences.  And, the consequences of shaking things up in North Korea are bad.  Brugger keeps trying to slip his lefty ideas past his state-mandated chaperones—reciting liberal poems at revered statues, playing popular Western songs with his guitar for large audiences, refusing to alter the creative integrity of the play he’s staging for some university students.  And, you can see these chaperones getting more and more nervous by the moment, because ultimately if the government decides that this visit was a problem, it’s their heads that will roll.  It’s kind of a jerky move, and pretty self-centered.  Mads Brugger brought a pair of Korean-Danish comedians along with him to perform a fun little play for a carefully screened audience.  They will perform the play for the censors, and accept any “suggestions” they may have in order to make the play a little more “appropriate.”  But, Brugger is determined to be very stubborn in an effort to provoke the government officials into some sort of aggressive display. 

But, he doesn’t even really accomplish his goal very well.  Brugger doesn’t succeed in setting any examples, changing any minds, or demonstrating how evil North Korea is.  He mainly just succeeds in terrorizing his poor travel companions.  He really stresses out his “accomplices” by demanding that they participate in his game long after they beg to be let off the hook.  Needless to say, Brugger doesn’t come off very well.  I think this says something about his general level of self-awareness.  There are plenty of other, excellent documentaries about North Korea out there (like, A State of Mind).  I’d recommend sticking to some of those, and giving this one a skip.

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Excuses for Nudity

Movie: The Names of Love

My Rating: 4 stars

Wow.  I always forget just how raunchy French movies can be.  They always manage to fit a little gratuitous nudity into any storyline, no matter how sweet and innocent it may be.  Not that this story is very pure or chaste.  It’s a story about a radical, left-wing, feminist, Baya, who tries to convert right-wingers to her way of thinking by sleeping with them, and whispering sweet, little, ideological, nothings into their ears during their most “vulnerable” moments.  She’s half French, half Algerian, and she hates the snobby, pureblood French mentality.  And, she’s going to teach these bigots a lesson by sexing the hate out of them, one by one.  Yeah, she’s kind of trampy.  But, maybe that’s just how French people do things.  Because, this story is presented in the package of a perky, little romantic comedy.

Baya is first attracted to the straight-laced Arthur because she thinks he’s another conservative, haughty, French, target to flip.  But, then she discovers that he’s a liberal just like she is.  Not only that, he’s also half Jewish.  Arthur just seems conservative because he’s from an uptight, puritanical family.  Naturally, Baya starts falling for him.  But, seeing how he was raised, Arthur isn’t completely on board with Baya’s profession of choice.  She’s just so loud, and brassy, and somehow manages to expose her lady parts in public a little more often than is socially acceptable (even for Europe).  Still, Baya is very beautiful, and Arthur is a man, so he has a hard time saying no to a naked lady.  And, she gets naked a whole lot in this movie.  In fact, it seems like the whole story was written as an excuse to get this pretty girl nude as many times as possible.

This is a pretty light, frivolous movie.  Not much of real import ever happens, and there are very few serious moments.  Still, the movie is pretty enjoyable (for obvious reasons).  Everyone in the movie has those slim, European, good looks (even if we do suspect they may not have bathed very recently). And, the story is full of whimsical frolics.  Overall, I recommend it.  But, be warned.  There’s tons of sex and full-frontal nudity, so it’s probably not something you want to screen while the whole family is over for Thanksgiving dinner.  And, I think it’s a bad idea as a date movie too.  These characters are just too attractive and sexy.  It’d do a number on your self-esteem.  But, it’s a fresh bit of cinematic cotton candy—perfect for if you’ve been overdoing the zombie thrillers a little bit.