One-Star Bonanza

Movie: Original Sin

My Rating: 1 star

Geez! Could you get any cheesier than this?  Antonio Banderas and Angelina Jolie sexing it up all over some old-timey coffee plantation—like some how the fancy, period dress classes it up so that this isn’t just some trashy, Harlequin romance novel?  But, maybe that was the whole point.  Maybe the movie studio was trying to appeal to the frustrated, middle-aged housewife demographic.  Those ladies have got some time on their hands in the middle of the day.  And, a steamy, soft-core porno set in an exotic locale like Cuba might be just the thing to capture some of those untapped dollars.  But of course, this movie was a huge flop.  Silly movie executives!  I think their crucial miscalculation was that movie theaters don’t serve mid-afternoon rose wine, and handfuls of tranquilizers.  (Although, most theaters are boozing it up these days).  So, the target market for this movie was probably all staying home with their “relaxation aids” to watch their soaps from the comfort of their living rooms.

So, this is a pretty ridiculous story.  A wealthy plantation owner (Banderas) sends away for a homely (but supposedly obedient) mail-order bride.  But, when his intended arrives, she turns out to be a total fox (Jolie).  Naturally, they fall instantly in love.  It all seems too good to be true, so needless to say, it is.  Banderas needs to decide whether he is ok living with a wife that seems to have so many dark secrets in her past.  But, he’ll wait to decide this important question after a few more rounds of steamy marital relations.  And, lots of gratuitous nudity.  Why not?  It’s your classic bodice-ripper.  You couldn’t write a trashier story if you tried.

I’m not really sure why I watched this movie.  It’s not like the trailers or promotional materials were hiding how cheesy this movie is.  But, the Netflix streaming service just makes it so easy to watch terrible films without feeling guilty.  There’s just no risk.  If you hate a streaming film, you can just turn it off without having wasted a shipment of a film you really wanted to see.  I guess this movie just looked too hilarious to pass up.  The acting is absolutely atrocious!  How did these people become A-list actors?  Sure, they’re beautiful, but their acting looks like it’s out of some terrible community theater play (except that the subject matter is a little more risqué).  I don’t think director Michael Cristofer was trying to be ironic.  Hey, this movie was made way before the whole hipster thing came into fashion (2001).  So, maybe the studio just figured that it had enough big names associated with this project to make some money.  Hey, my curiosity definitely got the better of me.  Just don’t let it happen to you.